we all just need to chill. with stress about colleges and with our personal relationships. everyone just needs to sit around in a circle, sing songs, and be themselves and maybe life would be a little better. we don't have room or time for judgment and hatred. there is no purpose in those things. we all just need to be happy. happy with ourselves and each other and life. we need to slow down and appreciate everything and everyone that surrounds us. we need time to appreciate life.
everything seems so much better when you think about it. every moment seems better when you're either awaiting it or after it has happened. maybe it's just me. i can't seem to settle in the present. i'm constantly restless and anxious. i feel my blood boil and my mind race. i want to be in every place at once but i barely have the will power to move 3 feet. i want to be in the future but i want to be in the past. i can't even keep my thoughts straight. what's gotten into me? this has to be a disorder. i don't know what i'm waiting for and i don't know what direction it's supposed to come from. whatever comes my way comes and goes so quickly that i don't even know what hit me. it could have not even happened. who knows. i question my sanity. i question the validity of my unkept secrets. i question my existence. i question reality and i question illusion. i feel like i'm slipping away from reality. i feel it's solidity seeping out of my world as if there was a leak. really. sometimes i stop and look around and see a completely different reality and i forget what reality really is. what is real and what is right? sometimes i have to slowly focus back into life. my dreams just scream that i am uncomfortable with life. i constantly dream of being chased, injured, paralyzed, etc. last night i had the helpless paralysis reality dream. where i helplessly laid in bed for what felt like an hour and tried everything i could to move, get out of bed, call out to my mom, or anything. but i couldn't. i couldn't move a muscle and every attempt was excruciatingly painful and beyond frustrating. fear, anxiety, shock, horror, helplessness, frustration...everything built up and only made it worse. my attempt at convincing myself that it was a dream wasn't very convincing because my surroundings were identical to...well...my surroundings. i was in my bed in the middle of the night. and well, i was. so whether that was reality or all in my head i'll never know. but that was the 2nd or 3rd paralysis reality dream that i've had and i must say, i am certainly not a fan. i don't know what to do.
glittering with greed emulating envy perfecting pride shameful with sloth lurking for lust advocating anger gaping in gluttony
What has my life come to but a collection of sins? My every move, though, and action is a sin. I have nothing more to say. I don't know how to respond to this. Helpless? Hopeless? I feel like this is another one of those bitterly ironic scenarios. Thursday I dressed as a flapper from the 20's. From the beginning of school, in September, to this past Thursday life was swell. With two minor exceptions, but even so; life was damn swell. We'll call that month and a half the "roaring 20's." Well 1929 must've hit bright and early on a friday morning because Friday marked the beginning of a Great Depression. Goodbye, good 6 weeks of life. Hello reality, hello morbidity, hello depression.
