of all nights it really hurts. And I can't describe what I'm feeling but the frustration and anger is overwhelming. And I've been thinking about it all day, and I think about it my whole life, and I just wish it were different. I guess I wish I was different. This might sound all sloppy but I don't care. I can't keep my thoughts straight so I won't bother trying to keep my words straight. People. I...can't stand them. I just want to flip out on every one of them but I don't even know what to say. First the ego's and now the assumptions they make about me. Every day, especially lately, people have the nerve to tell me about myself. They have the nerve to insult me and tell me what a trashy whore I am. At least imply it. And I can't be too mad at them because maybe I do practically allow them to say things like that but everyone's so fucking judgmental. Fucking get over yourself. You're not perfect and that idiotic biased idea of what's normal that has been beat into your head isn't the fucking guidelines to life. None of you are right and I'm not saying that I am either. Stop judging and stop obsessing over yourself. People disgust me. Ironic, isn't it? Of course I am the disgusting one with my nasty actions, right? I let people know a lot about myself. Why? Maybe it's because I have no secrets. Because if it happened, it might as well be known. If only I know, I might drive myself crazy one day wondering if it really did happen. Other people knowing makes it feel like it really did happen. Also because back in 8th grade and before when I was depressed and I don't even remember but I just remember that I kept everything bottled up and it was awful. And I realized getting it out made me feel better, talking about it made me feel better. I don't like secrets. I really really don't. My secrets are the first I'll tell. I've already wrote a bit and I'm still raging with anger. This isn't what usually happens...I usually calm down. I'm not getting calmer. But knowing that more people are going to rub their ivy's in my face this weekend, and knowing that i have to work for 24 more hours this weekend after already working today, and knowing i'm going to fail a test on othello, and knowing that I have to face people that i just want to rip apart limb by limb, and knowing that i won't get into college, and knowing that the one thing i want will never come my way, and all of these things just aren't allowing my heart to stop racing. they're not allowing my fingertips to stop, they're not allowing my eyes to stop bouncing from my buddy list to my pillow to my phone to my wall and all over the place. I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go and I don't know who to go to. Because as nice as it was having friends, i went too far. I tried to establish connections, i tried to be nice, i tried to make friends, i tried to have people to talk to at any time of the day so I would have a personal feeling of popularity. So I would feel significant in multiple people's lives. So now I have people. I have all of these people, some that I don't even like, some that I could barely tolerate, some that i love sometimes but wind up hating when I hate the whole world anyway. So yeah, I have all of these people, and then comes the question of what makes any one of them any better than the other. What sets person a apart from person b-z. Nothing, really. Day by day I find each persons differences yet at the end of the week they're pretty much all the same. All girls complain about the same things and all guys pretend to have that careless attitude about bitches and life. And at the end of the day, everyone has their insecurities. And everyone thinks about either that special someone or a handful of people that just contributed to their day. And eventually, everyone forgets. Everyone moves on. Everyone but me, I guess. I know, I know. I'm not a special little snowflake. There's nothing good about me. I can't keep a friend for too long for whatever reason; either I get sick of them or they get sick of me. I have no motivation or will power. I can't get anyone to like me. And I'm going to stop writing before I explode. That last sentence indicates that this is not healthy...I never stop writing when I feel like that. Never.
i've formed so many close friendships that none of them are even special. i have no secrets so i don't know myself any better than any friend of mine. i hop around from person to person either not be clingy or annoying to any one person or because some people just can't keep my interest for an extended period of time, your pick.
and when i wake up, i want to go back to sleep. wake me up when something good comes my way, because i'm only making things worse by being alive and present.
um. i kind of stayed up to write the two college essays for the UC app and i'm working on cutting down the second one and all but i happen to think the first one is on the verge of perfection. not gonna lie, i want to jump of a bridge right now.
http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"> name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"> name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12">
Staten Island Technical High School is a small, competitive school. With less than one thousand students between 9th and 12th grade and two hundred to three hundred students per grade, the halls are filled with familiar faces. There are both pro's and con's to attending this school. The small and competitive factor may discourage students from reaching their full potential yet remind them that they must strive to be at the top. The intimate environment of the school contributes to comfort and allows for easy access to tutoring and other crucial educational materials that may be more limited in a larger school. Although we all excel, some students may stand at a lower rank than they would like. Some grades that would be considered exceptional at other schools may be regarded as mediocre for SI Tech standards.
There's a lot more to Staten Island Technical High School than academics. The student body consists of countless motivated students that take every opportunity they can find to help out. It may be a small school, but the involvement is certainly above average. School functions are usually a great success with phenomenal support from students. In my previous school, I had always been involved. I always volunteered to help teachers during my lunch period and was a dedicated member of the robotics team for three years. When I came to SI Tech, I met many students that shared my dedication to school. The ample opportunities that Tech has presented to me have only made my devotion to this school increase throughout my high school years. Tech has become my home.
Ironically enough, this school of overachievement and spectacular grades reinforced my belief that there’s a lot more to school, and life, than perfect grades. Achieving a perfect score on a test could mean nothing if all you had done to prepare for it was memorize your notes, only to forget that information immediately upon completion of the examination. On the same token, not doing so well on a test could be a result of sleep deprivation or human error. Written examinations should not define ones intellect, but rather test ones knowledge on the subject matter that they had been studying. Education is obviously important, but involvement in extracurricular activities and volunteering shapes you into the person that you are.
I had always enjoyed being part of the action, and I eventually developed an infatuation for recording these events and all the happenings of day to day life at school. I grew attached to my camera as well as pen and paper. Throughout high school, I had attended various events including sporting events, dances, parent teacher conferences, volunteering events, fundraisers, school plays, club meetings, etc. As much as I enjoyed attending all of these events, there wasn’t much of a significant difference to contrast what I enjoyed most. However, there were two things that remained constant for every event; the pictures taken and journal entry written.
I take pride in carrying my camera wherever I go. Each picture represents a dear moment in life that can never, physically, be brought back. A single photograph can capture so much, while multiple photographs can retell stories without words. Although words are not required to tell a story, I personally like to reinforce photographs with words. Just like photography, writing can capture so much. Although both an art, writing and photography capture two different worlds. Photography captures a world of the present, while writing can capture a world of the past. Either world may not be notably important to everyone, but both worlds are crucial to my existence. Without writing and photography, I feel incomplete. I feel like it is my responsibility to capture the moment in both the present and past tenses.
When telling a story, point of view is an important factor. My personal writing is told from my point of view and contains my own biased opinions. However, as a writer, I do take other possible points of view into consideration. I have a wide range of friends who fit into various cliques. In a small school like SI Tech, many of the same stories are spread through the halls. It’s simply fascinating how one story can be retold in so many different ways. The idea of point of view has been presented to me in a realistic sense which not only certified my understanding of the term, but endorsed my interest in journalism and the media.
The happenings at Staten Island Technical High School have not only kept me entertained over the past few years but also helped me decide what I wanted to do with my future. I am proud to say that I have not had a single unexcused absence over the past seven years. My school has been my world and has taught me an abundant amount about priorities and life in general. Over the past few years, I have been enlightened. I will come out of high school with a greater understanding about life than I ever imagined I’d acquire. School is usually associated with education through books and answered “aim’s” that the teacher writes on the board in the beginning of class. I associate school with a different kind of education. I did receive my fair share of knowledge from books and class time, but in the end I learned more about life from my surroundings and environment.
